She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me.

Not long after my first child was born, I had a conversation with a good friend. Our talk turned to children telling their parents they hate them. My thoughts at the time are still very clear, even though it's been 14 long years.

I looked down at my beautiful, angelic, baby girl, that I created. I just knew that if this child, I loved sooo very much, ever felt hatred for me, much less actually said it out loud, I would be completely devastated!! Totally and utterly, devastated!!

Well that was then. What I don't remember is when exactly I first heard her say she hated me. I do remember the circumstances. We were in the midst of our first huge power struggle. She wasn't backing down. I definitely wasn't ever going to back down. There was no end in sight. Suddenly, she stomped off and mumbled those dreaded words, "I hate you." I was stunned. My mouth dropped open and I'm pretty sure my heart stopped. Devastation. I was right all those years ago...I was right!

What I didn't know back then was what would happen next. My world didn't end. In fact, for a split second, I thought about ending hers. That's when I realized something. It was silent. The argument had ended. I stood very still in the silence for several minutes. I didn't feel hurt or rage. I felt victorious!! I had won! With three simple words, the struggle had ended. I had been a parent long enough to take my victories where I could get them.

To this day, when I hear those three little words, I know I'm doing something right.

That is so cliche!

Both my parents spoke almost entirely in cliches, euphemisms and metaphors. As a child, I assumed everyone talked this way. This did not help my social life...at all. You do not gain popularity points, or even a single 'high-five' when your only retort to a elementary school punk is, "Takes one to know one!" "I know you are, but what am I? " might have gone over a wee bit better. Though, I'm sure I used that too. The mocking and laughing has yet to cease. I MUST purge myself once and for all!

Though I love to use the "qouties", I must leave them off this list in fear of resenting them.

Getting too big for your britches. (Usually followed up with a "Missy" or "Young lady")
I don't/wouldn't trust him/her any farther than I can throw them.
That money burning a hole in your pocket?? ( Yeeeees, indeed it is!)
Diarrhea of the mouth. (I heard this several times a day; apparently I talk a lot. It still makes me gag.)
Cat got your tongue? (Very seldom used)
Not for all the tea in China.
Your eyes are bigger than your stomach. (Meaning you ordered/fixed more than you could eat.)
Baby sh*t green/brown. (Mom used this a lot to describe ugly brown or green colors.)
Pardon my French. (Followed the previous)
It went down the wrong pipe. (When someone is choking. I prefer the Heimlich.)
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. (Do I ask a lot of questions?)
Don't hold your breath.
It cost an arm and a leg.
I'd give my right arm for...
Like a chicken with it's head cut off. :-/
Take your coat off and stay awhile.
Naked as a jaybird.
I'll beat you with a wet noodle. (Sooo violent, my Mom!)
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
The pot calling the kettle black.
It's right up your alley.
One foot on a the grave and the other on a banana peel.
My teeth are floating. (You gotta pee...badly.)

That's it. I can't do anymore!! But, trust me...there are many, many more. These are merely the most popular ones in my household. I may not be a "spring chicken" or anything, but I shouldn't sound like someone's Great Grammy!

How To Loose A Guy In 1 Date

These are tried and true actions that will keep you from ever having that 2nd date. Any one will do the trick, but for added spice, I've combined several into one outing.

1. Throw up in his precious TransAm.

2. Point and laugh when he tells you he still lives with his "rents".

3. Gawk in disbelief when he tells you about his immense Pez collection.

4. Get choked at dinner, causing you to pee yourself.

5. Bletch continuously throughout an entire movie.

6. Mock him relentlessly for ordering a Watermelontini...to the waitress.

7. Tease him about his sandals, then his last name.

8. Talk about nothing except "South Park" and "The Office".

9. Call the ivy league college he attended "gay". (In my defense, the convo went like this...Me, "What college did you say you graduated from?" Him, "I didn't say. I don't like to sound pretentious." He followed that up the name of the college. It was totally deserved!)

10. Refuse a goodnight kiss by explaining he has a big *woogie in his nose.

11. Gently weep on the long ride home. Then laugh out loud at yourself for the crying.

12. Let him watch as you touch up your lipstick and/or gloss. When he proudly proclaims, "I know that's a sign I get some sugar later", proudly respond with "Oh, no. This is not for you."

13. Encourage him to reconnect with his ex. Strongly!

14. In front of your fuming date, apologize to the waitress and explain that you just met him. Then stare in disbelief as said date continues his rant to an entire Applebee's about how he should have been informed of the lack of celery before receiving his hot wings. As "celery is a staple!!"

Yes, I am the First Date Queen and I reserve the right to freely add to this list as I unblock all the memories...or continue to torture myself by still trying.

*booger

Pilot Gripe Sheet

This one's made a few rounds on the internets, but I received it again and it still induces chuckles.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor!

Here are some "actual" maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Maintenance: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Maintenance: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Maintenance: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Maintenance: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Maintenance: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Maintenance: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Maintenance: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Maintenance: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Maintenance: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Maintenance: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Maintenance: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Maintenance: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Maintenance: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Maintenance: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Maintenance: Took hammer away from midget.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,
I went to our favorite sandwich shop, B&B or Gardner's Market, as everyone else calls it. Bill and Billy seem to be doing good, though there is talk of retirement in the next few years. Bill says they miss you there and your name comes up often. And yes, they still sell your favorite Lindt white chocolate truffles! I had a Muffuletta with a blackberry lemonade and they were as delicious as always! I won't wait another 6 years before going back. Since you weren't there to give me yours, I only had the one pickle. But one is better than none, I suppose.

The kids and I miss you terribly, but are very thankful for the time we spent together. Letting us care for you through your Alzheimer's and cancer was the greatest gift you ever gave us. You were always a very gentle, generous man and I am very lucky to be your daughter.

Happy Birthday, Dad!!
Love Always,
Your DD
(Darling Daughter, as you called me when you couldn't remember my name.)

P.S. It's hard to believe it's been 10 years since I threw you an 80th b-day surprise party at Cooker's... seems like yesterday. It's one of the many wonderful memories I'll always cherish...especially since you gave me that "oh, you got me good, missy" look! (See below)

Commander R. Glenn Morton
April 28, 1920 - June 24, 2004

Our last Christmas together, 2003